Confessions of a Domestic Failure Read online

  I’m tackling the Exercise Challenge today. Guess what? I joined a gym. I signed the contract for a year and paid the first three months up front. The very fit personal trainer guy at the front desk asked what my fitness goals were. I don’t think “general thinness” is what he was expecting so I added “muscle building” in at the last minute.

  Want to hear the best part? The gym has childcare. You can drop off your baby for an hour at a time. I feel a little bad leaving Aubrey with strangers, but I checked it out and they’ve all been background checked, fingerprinted, have at least thirty early childhood education college units and are CPR certified. Come to think of it, they’re probably more qualified for motherhood than I am.

  I start tomorrow. Today I’m going to get my new fitness clothes: a few pairs of stretchy black pants, two sports bras, a new water bottle, indoor running shoes and four sporty tops should do it. Maybe I should get some of those electrolyte drinks that look like they glow in the dark. And some granola bars for energy. Peanut butter, too. I have a coupon for the new kind with swirls of chocolate. Yum!

  I can’t wait.

  Wednesday, January 30, 2 P.M.

  Always incorporate your children into your exercise routine. It’s important to model healthy living. My five love to join me on my 5 a.m. walks. The baby fits snugly in my wrap and I pull my middle two in a wagon. More weight means a better workout!

  —Emily Walker, Motherhood Better

  I love the gym. Aubrey and I got there at 8:30 a.m. today and she was the first baby in the Kid’s Korner (don’t ask me about the double K. I’m trying to ignore it). After dropping her off I headed to the locker room and changed into my new, very cute ensemble. I felt fitter already!

  Then I saw it: the hot tub. I didn’t spend the entire hour soaking. Just forty-five minutes to warm up my muscles before a very brisk ten-minute speed walk on the treadmill. The machine said I burned thirty calories, which is probably half of a granola bar, but it’s not just about calories burned, it’s about the changes to your metabolism and muscle building. That’s what I overheard a personal trainer saying. I’m learning so much.

  Aubrey slept the entire time. Can’t wait to go back. I’m such a gym rat already. I’m going to be such a MILF: Mom I’d Love to Feel good about. #SoFit.

  Thursday, January 31, 9:30 A.M.

  Salad makes a wonderful breakfast! My breakfast salad bowls include baby arugula, six organic grapes, red onions, cucumber slices, fair trade walnuts, ¼ cup of quinoa, and a generous serving of aloe and mango juice vinaigrette.

  —Emily Walker, Motherhood Better

  Not only does this gym have a hot tub, it has a steam room and free WiFi. I walked once around the track today. I did two sets of three pushups, as well. I’ve gained a pound but muscle is heavier than fat so I’m not worried.

  After my pushups, whew! I fired up my laptop and watched two episodes of Hillside Heights in my nook. What’s my nook, you ask? It’s a private changing room where I sit with my feet up on a bench in the corner and just focus on being present, like in yoga. Naturally I use my headphones so as to not disturb anyone. It is extremely similar to yoga.

  Amazing Fact: This gym has a snack bar with the most delicious creations. The Chicken Tucson wrap is to die for. It has only 300 calories without the Southwest sauce. I added the sauce, of course, but just for a bit of flavor.

  I also jogged for almost six minutes. #FitnessFreak.

  I took a gym selfie and sent it to David. He replied with a heart-eyes emoji. He’s so incredibly proud of me, but not as proud as I am of myself.

  You’ll be happy to learn that I’ve changed my eating habits entirely. No more ice cream, only frozen yogurt. There’s a new place two doors down the street and it has all kinds of mix-ins: breakfast cereals, chocolate chips, almonds (healthy), and coconut caramel flakes (also healthy). When you buy four cups you get the fifth one free. Guess who’s getting a freebie tomorrow?

  Friday, February 1, 11 A.M.

  Don’t feel pressure to lose the baby weight too quickly. After the miracle of childbirth, for me, it takes between 10–15 days.

  —Emily Walker, Motherhood Better

  Quick update: I felt bad monopolizing the changing rooms, so after I dropped Aubrey off in the gym childcare today, I watched Hillside Heights in my car. If I pull up right beside the back entrance the WiFi is still incredible. I didn’t have time to work out, but I really do need the downtime. Aubrey is doing great in the Kid’s Korner.

  I think I’ll come back this afternoon for another workout.

  2 P.M.

  We have a snitch. When I returned to the locker room today after watching two episodes of Celebrity Style Scoop in my car, there was an envelope tucked into my locker. Inside was an official letter.

  Dear gym member,

  Please be advised that the use of the Kid’s Korner is for active gym members only. We require all guardians to stay inside of the fitness center while their children are being minded.

  Warmly,

  The Management

  How dare they? My car is only a hop and a skip away from the treadmills. It’s barely on the other side of the glass. They’re acting like I went on a shopping spree in the next city. Relaxing one’s mind is just as important as working on your body. Emily always says that. How do they know I’m not meditating in my car or doing laps around the building? How do they know I don’t have a medical condition and need to give myself injections in the privacy of my vehicle? If that were true, I could probably sue for discrimination.

  I am furious.

  I am determined to find the source of the information leak. My top suspects right now are:

  #1: The super-skinny blonde who runs the gym café. Sometimes I order a chocolate protein smoothie to go before popping off to my car.

  #2: Yolanda. Yolanda is another Kid’s Korner mom. She drops off her two-year-old, Jasper, at the same time I drop off Aubrey. We’re usually in the changing room together. She’s asked me if I’d like to weight train with her once—be spotting buddies—and I turned her down not just because I don’t want to lift weights but because “spotting buddies” sounds like some kind of mutual agreement to discharge blood between periods together and that’s gross.

  I’ve seen Yolanda give me side-eye more than once as I saunter back from my car, relaxed and happy to pick up Aubrey. It’s not my fault that I’ve figured out a way to enjoy my life while she gets sweaty and punishes herself.

  Update: It’s definitely Yolanda. As I tucked the letter into my bag she walked past me and gave me a half I-told-on-you smile. Wench.

  Tomorrow I’m going to try some yoga if the class isn’t full.

  Saturday, February 2, 11 A.M.

  Sven is a licensed massage therapist. I highly recommend that mothers treat themselves to a massage once a week to work out some of that stress.

  —Emily Walker, Motherhood Better

  Yolanda is watching me. After I dropped Aubrey off at the Kid’s Korner, I headed over to the elliptical machines and saw her peeking at me, not once but TWICE, from the free weights area. How childish of her to tattle on me just because I wouldn’t be her period partner.

  The upside is that I burned a hundred calories, which means I can stop by the froyo place and treat myself on the way home.

  Aubrey cried a little when I dropped her off today. She could probably sense my stress from the situation. Thanks, Yolanda.

  In more uplifting news, I signed up for a Mommy & Me yoga class. A Bikram (that’s yoga-speak for “unnecessary torture”) studio a few minutes from my house has a few openings and I thought, why not?

  Someone on Facebook said it helped them bond with their one-year-old and connect their souls or something. I don’t know what that means, but I’d love for my soul to be connected to Aubrey’s.<
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  I know it sounds crazy, but I’m already worried about what her teen years will be like. If she’s anything like me, she’ll be absolutely insane and risk her life twelve times before breakfast. I’m hoping that if I keep an open dialogue and attach chains to her ankles, it won’t be so bad. The yoga can’t hurt, either. Maybe by the time she’s thirteen we’ll have bonded so well that she’ll confide in me, come to me when she needs advice... A mom can dream, right?

  Our first class is this afternoon. Wish me luck and flexibility.

  10 P.M.

  The decision to move Sven into our pool house was a natural one. He’s like a member of our family now. Our kids call him Uncle Sven! It’s my solemn prayer that every mom finds a trainer and friend like him.

  —Emily Walker, Motherhood Better

  How did Mommy & Me Yoga go? Thanks for asking. It started off a little rocky. We were running late and I didn’t have time to change, so I just Febreezed my yoga pants in case we had to sit with our legs open.

  I must be doing something wrong because all of the other babies seemed much calmer than Aubrey. She spent the entire time crying and trying to squirm out of my arms. She wasn’t at all interested in Baby Crane or Downward Facing Puppy. A mom in white linen pants to my left kept eyeing me like I was failing some kind of Zen-ness test.

  Near the end, we were supposed to meditate “third eye to third eye,” with our faces pressed against our baby’s faces. I leaned into Aubrey, who was sitting on her green mat, and she head butted me. Right in the nose. Stars exploded behind my eyes and I almost blacked out. Before I could think, six or seven curse words flew out of my mouth. Loudly. Aubrey and the babies on either side of us burst into tears. White Linen Pants picked up her son and held him to her chest like I was holding a machete.

  The yoga teacher tried to salvage the tattered calm vibe in the room, “Okay, accidents happen. Draw in the good air, breathe out the bad.”

  I’m pretty sure I was the bad.

  We left shortly after that.

  We weren’t banned for life but I’m not going back. Aubrey can head-butt me in our living room for free.

  I canceled my gym membership. I decided that I don’t want to be part of an organization that discriminates based on how people choose to interpret “working out” or uses a K to spell Korner. But I am going to miss those wraps.

  Fun news: I checked into the Motherhood Better Bootcamp online portal today.

  Bad news: There’s a thread for updating everyone with your progress, and seven of the moms have already lost weight, toned up or done things with their bodies other than stuff them with frozen yogurt and get knocked out by their infant.

  I can’t mess this up. Today I did ten pushups (over a three-hour period) and three sets of four sit-ups. For dinner I’m making cheese tortellini, but I’m only eating a baby bowl-sized portion with just once tiny piece of buttered French bread.

  Progress.

  Sunday, February 3, 9 A.M.

  Not every meal you eat needs to be solid food. I replace at least two a day with juice made of vegetables from my garden. For enhanced vitality, add a teaspoon of heart-healthy colostrum.

  —Emily Walker, Motherhood Better

  Today is my last day to make some progress before the bootcamp video chat tomorrow.

  I started a new diet. It’s called Ship Shape Shake, and according to the infomercial, I should start seeing dramatic results in just seven days. I bought the box after the failed yoga class yesterday, and I haven’t read through the literature yet but I’m excited.

  Full disclosure: I may have messed up just a teeny bit. I didn’t realize that each silver packet of strawberry flavored powder was supposed to be a meal REPLACEMENT. I thought it was a kind of fat-melting solution that would enter my body, bear hug the cellulite and then carry it out.

  Apparently, I’m actually supposed to mix the powder with cold water to make some kind of sad watery shake and drink that instead of eating actual food.

  I downed the first shake with a bowl of cereal, one hard-boiled egg and a vanilla latte with whipped cream.

  I’m totally on board for lunch, though.

  For dinner you’re allowed to have a shake and a “reasonable dinner.” The picture of the dinner in the brochure was a romaine salad, chopped tomatoes and grilled chicken but David is working tonight so I’m going to finish the last slice of pepperoni pizza in the fridge for dinner before it goes bad. People are starving all over the world and it feels wrong to waste food at a time like this.

  10 A.M.

  Today started out rough. I was so hungry I started eating almonds to curb the pangs. Forty-five minutes passed and I was still starving.

  10:45 A.M.

  I’m not sure, but I believe the diet is starting to affect my cognitive functions. As hard as I tried I couldn’t remember what bagels taste like. I would’ve killed for a bagel and cream cheese. Okay, maybe not kill, but I would have definitely slapped someone for one.

  10:50 A.M.

  I ate six of Aubrey’s baby cheese puff things. Not on purpose. I gave her one and then before I realized what was happening, six were in my mouth half chewed. Yes, I could have spit them out but that’s insane. Who spits out food?

  10:54 A.M.

  I broke down and had an apple with peanut butter. It’s not on the meal plan, but apples are fruit and peanut butter is just nuts which have omega 3s, I think.

  11 A.M.

  Took Aubrey on a walk for some cardio. Bought a low-fat mocha with no whip at the café. I would have opted for nonfat milk, but that’s against everything I believe in. Have you seen nonfat milk? It’s blue.

  I bought a croissant but gave most of it to Aubrey to gnaw on. May have had a few bites for energy for the walk.

  11:30 A.M.

  I drank my second shake in less than ten seconds. I was supposed to wait for lunch, but I couldn’t. My stomach felt empty and acidic. I ate twenty more almonds. If I have to see another almond in my life I will immediately barf. Unless it’s a chocolate-covered almond, I love those. I wonder who discovered chocolate-covered almonds? That person should have a national holiday named in their honor.

  11:45 A.M.

  I kept walking in and out of the kitchen like a lost child. I ate a cherry tomato in desperation.

  11:47 A.M.

  Just ate a plate of sliced red onion dipped in fat-free dressing with six shakes of pepper. I pretended it was a steak. Did not work.

  SUNDAY, NOON

  Aubrey was having a jar of pureed butternut squash, apple and beef for lunch. Normally the dark orange mush wouldn’t appeal to me, but after warming it in the microwave for twenty seconds, I tested it on my tongue. It was like heaven. I took one more mini bite. Then one more. I ate half of the jar before coming to my senses. This was a new low.

  2 P.M.

  CraigsPage.com

  New Listing

  For Sale:

  Almost complete starter kit of Ship Shape Shake Meal Replacement Diet Kit.

  Strawberry Flavored.

  Only two pouches missing.

  Note: You can’t eat actual food. The shakes are the food. Just thought you should know.

  11 P.M.

  Aubrey just went back to sleep for the second time, so I decided, since I was up, I’d update my Motherhood Better Bootcamp online journal before tomorrow’s call.

  Motherhood Better Bootcamp Message Board Entry

  Hello ladies and Emily! So far I’ve joined a gym and taken up yoga with my daughter. She’s such a strong little girl. Very headstrong. She inspires me to see stars in the mundane every single day. I love her. I’m eating more consciously and really savoring my meals. Thank you for the Ship Shape Shake recommendation. They’re delicious and really changed the way I look at food. Xo Ashley

  I shut the computer and s
at in the dark of my bedroom next to David, who was sleeping soundly.

  I was just settling into bed when I heard Aubrey wail again. She sounded wide awake. “No, no, no,” I wailed internally.

  Moments like this I wish I had sister wives. Surely my sister wife would hear my baby’s pitiful wails from the next room and help me. She’d float in, wearing a long, modest ivory Victorian nightgown and smile sympathetically at me before picking up my baby and whisking her away. Before she left I’d pretend to protest her help, and she’d put a finger to her lips and mouth, “No. Sleep. You deserve it.”

  I threw my feet over the side of the bed and quickly made my way down the hall. I opened Aubrey’s door to see her sitting up, sleepily. She could barely stay upright as she rubbed her eyes with a chubby hand. My heart melted.

  I carefully laid her on her back and rubbed her stomach. Without warning she let out an enormous burp. She sighed, closed her eyes and within moments was breathing deeply again.

  That’s all it was? Gas? I stroked her fine hair.

  Suddenly, a sister wife didn’t seem like a brilliant idea anymore. As utterly exhausted as I was, seeing Aubrey’s still face in the moonlight, I knew I wanted this moment to myself.

  Monday, February 4, 11 A.M.

  It’s important for every mom to have a passion. Your calling is motherhood, but you must have something yours alone that lights a fire under you every day. My hobby is crafting. Whether I’m monogramming organic T-shirts for orphans in Russia or simply making sustainable and aromatic sachets for friends, creating beautiful things with my hands is what makes me excited to wake up in the morning.

  —Emily Walker, Motherhood Better

  The Motherhood Better Bootcamp video chat had started promptly at 10 a.m. Despite being jetlagged in Australia as part of her book tour, Emily looked fantastic. Her shiny black hair was pulled into a side French braid and she wore a long-sleeved cashmere shirtdress. Her eye shadow and lipstick were both a luxurious deep plum and her skin was flawless.